The 3 most common mistakes people make that prevent them overcoming their fears and phobias

Midlife anxiety can take hold in many forms.  It may be an almost ever-present uneasiness, worry about what unexpected problem may be lurking around the corner, or a general feeling that you’re lacking the resilience to cope with the challenges of life.

But it can also take the form of specific fears and phobias.  These may be long-standing fears and phobias, but many women also find that during midlife, new fears and phobias arise. 

Fears and phobias can be categorised into 3 general groups:

• Objects, situations, or activities such as fear of dogs or other animals; fear of spiders or insects; fear of flying; fear of driving; fear of confined spaces.

• Social phobia, such as fear of social situations, fear of blushing, fear of public speaking, fear of business meetings.

• Agoraphobia, such as fear of crowded places, fear of leaving the house.

Driving anxiety is a particularly common fear that many women seem to develop during midlife, and this can range from a mild uneasiness and loss of confidence with driving, especially when going to new places or driving on motorways, through to such severe anxiety that the person no longer drives.

It isn’t clear why these new phobias suddenly arise, but if this is something that you’ve experienced, then be re-assured that you are not alone and that it is possible to overcome them.

However, there are 3 key mistakes that people make that mean their fears and phobias persist and can get worse. Becoming aware of these mistakes can help you prevent a mild fear or phobia getting worse.

Mistake #1 - Avoidance

The biggest mistake that I see people making is that they avoid whatever it is that they are fearing.  Whether that’s avoiding driving in unfamiliar places or at night, avoiding going in the garage because of the spiders that live in there, or not speaking up in meetings because of a fear that you might say the wrong thing, as soon as we avoid doing the thing we fear, we reinforce in our brains that the thing or situation is scary and threatening, meaning that we are more likely to experience the anxiety again next time and repeat the same avoidance behaviour

Mistake #2 - Safety Seeking

The second mistake that I see so many people making is safety seeking.  This can take many forms, but it is a way of avoiding or minimising the discomfort of the anxious feeling.  Perhaps you’ll only drive at night if there’s someone else in the car with you, perhaps you’ll only speak up in meetings if you’ve carefully prepared what you’re going to say in advance, or perhaps you’ll only go on the aeroplane after you’ve carefully checked the airline’s safety record and with a plan to consume several glasses of wine to calm your nerves throughout the flight. 

Whilst these safety seeking methods may help you to get through the feared situation, they reinforce in your brain that the situation is scary and threatening and that you can’t cope with it on your own or without careful preparation in advance.  They limit your sense of self-efficacy – your belief in yourself and your abilities.

Mistake #3 - Internal Focus

The third mistake is that people are overly focused on how they are feeling and on their anxious thoughts.  Their attention is often on their own discomfort – how their heart is pounding and stomach churning, whilst their minds whir with unhelpful thoughts about what a horrible experience it is, that they can’t cope, that something awful will happen.

This creates a spiral of tension and anxiety, as they often then start to mentally beat themselves up for feeling so anxious and struggling to cope with the situation. 

After the situation is over, all they can think about is what an awful experience it was.  Their recall of the situation is biased to the awfulness of it and ignores any positives, and this again reinforces the situation in the brain as being scary and threatening.

Overcoming fears and phobias

If you have a fear or phobia, can you identify with any of these mistakes?  If you can, then don’t worry – it’s perfectly normal.  It’s how our brains evolved to keep us safe thousands of years ago.  Unfortunately, in modern life, this fear response can become unhelpful.

In my next blog, I’ll be sharing some simple steps that you can use to overcome mild fears and phobias.

If you’re struggling with a fear or phobia, cognitive behavioural hypnotherapy is a highly effective and proven way to overcome fears.  Click here to find out more or message me to discuss your fear or phobia.