Break free from anxious thoughts

Many women find that with the arrival of mid-life, feelings of anxiety and low mood become much more common.  Some women talk about having a sense of doom, while others find themselves constantly overthinking things.

These increased levels of anxiety can often be triggered by the perimenopause or menopause, but also often tie in with stressful life events – demanding careers, teenage children, ageing parents, financial stresses, health concerns – and can leave many women feeling overwhelmed. Here I outline some simple techniques that you can use to break free from anxious thoughts.

Getting stuck

Often when we’re feeling anxious or down, we get stuck in our own thoughts.  The thought pops up that we’re a bad mum because we snapped at our teenager this morning.  Then we berate ourselves for doing it, worry that they’ll grow up hating us, ask ourselves why we can’t be nicer, compare ourselves to someone else who seems to have a great relationship with their child.  We spend our day feeling miserable as a result. 

And no wonder!  With all those awful thoughts going around in our heads.  We want them to go away, leave us alone.

Thoughts are not necessarily facts

However, hard as we may try, we can’t control our thoughts.  Much of our thinking happens automatically.  And when we’re already feeling in a heightened state of anxiety, probably sleep deprived (as many mid-life women are), or stumbling through brain fog, taking control of your thinking in a logical way can be really difficult.

We are constantly bombarded by random thoughts too.  Some of those thoughts may be facts, but many of them are not.  Many are beliefs, theories, opinions, or judgments, or they’re plans, ideas, or wishes, and they’re likely all jumbled up together.

We get stuck when we start believing that our thoughts are the truth, that they’re reality, and that they’re important, rather than seeing them for what they really are – just words, just stories. 

You are not your thoughts

In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), a type of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), ‘fusion’ is the term used to describe what happens when we react to these words as though they are facts.  We think ‘my child will hate me’ and feel anxious and despair. 

However, you don’t have to believe or obey or listen to every thought that you have, especially if those thoughts are not helpful, i.e., they make you feel anxious or bad about yourself.   You are not your thoughts.  And it is possible to ‘defuse’ from your thoughts.

Notice that thought

A simple technique that you can try is to bring to mind a thought that makes you feel anxious or upset, for example, ‘I hate public speaking’.  Focus on the thought and how it makes you feel.

Now, say to yourself, ‘I’m having the thought that …[I hate public speaking].’  What happens?  How does that make you feel?

Next, say to yourself, ‘I notice I’m having the thought that … [I hate public speaking].’  What happens now?  How does that make you feel?

Many people find that when they use this technique it allows them to take some distance from the thought. It no longer feels so overwhelming, so defining. It reminds them that they are not their thoughts, that they don’t have to believe them, and can help prevent them going down a rabbit-warren of worry with their thoughts.

Disobey on purpose

Another ACT defusion exercise that I really like is to ‘Disobey on Purpose.’  This technique illustrates that whilst our thoughts can influence our actions, they don’t have to control them.  Try getting up and walking around the room while having the thought ‘I cannot walk around the room.’  You can try this for all kinds of things and it’s a good one to practice throughout your day as a reminder that you don’t have to listen to your thoughts. 

Learning how to ‘defuse’ from your thinking can be a very effective way to deal with anxiety-provoking or other unhelpful thoughts and there are many different techniques that I use with clients to help them do this.  The thoughts don’t necessarily go away, but by developing the skills of distancing and defusion, it is possible to greatly decrease their impact on your life.

If you’d like to chat about whether I can help you, click here to arrange a free, 30-minute consultation.